Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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