GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
