I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
