oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
