Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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