Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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