Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize