my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
