i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
