so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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