Swine flu. Run for my life!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
