Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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