new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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