my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
