I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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