I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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