sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
