Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
