all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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