Can i not drive my cunt home
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
