All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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