Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
