I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
