I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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