Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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