I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize