I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
