May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
