You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
