my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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