If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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