Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
