I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just blew my weed a kiss
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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