we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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