what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
