i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
