I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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