How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
