her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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