I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
