just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
