I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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