Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
