I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
