I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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