Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
