Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He passed out mid-signature
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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