saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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