Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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