There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
