Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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