true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
