Me. At least after what I've been through.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize