I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
