Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
