I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
